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		Once Upon A Stepfamily, Part Two Reprinted from April 2006 Issue -by PAUL CASEY Continued from last month’s issue... • Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex-spouse is suggesting. Find some common ground. • Manage conversations by sticking to matters of parenting. Actively work to keep conversations in the present and focused on the children. • Don’t capitalize on your children’s hurt feelings. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones. • Work hard to respect the other parent and his/her household. Don’t make excuses for their behavior, but try not to criticize them either. Tell your kids, “When you are in that home, you respect them; while you are here, you respect us.” When you reject the other parent verbally, you indirectly are rejecting the child. Remember that children are dual citizens. 7. To heal, get (early and often) help from a counselor. Every stepfamily can benefit from counseling: whether it’s to deal with issues of loss/grieving from the past, marital tensions, dealing with difficult people/ex’s, bonding to your step child, etc. 8. Create new norms and rules (a set of agreements) that will maintain the changes—in other words, new traditions and rituals. • Honor old memories. Children have been uprooted; the key is to transplant carefully in a new place to blossom. They fare better when feeling “settled.” • Solidify the new identity. (bedtime rituals, dates, vacations) As the new family evolves, you move from a place of safety to a place of belonging. • Integrate different family cultures into one culture. Share a lot: favorite stories, traditions, best things that ever happened, family expectations, observations about family members • Negotiate a division of labor regarding household tasks. • Take time to celebrate. The stepfamily that plays together stays together. Build memories to help anchor your stepfamily. Search for affordable entertainment. One-on-one time with each child is equally important. 9. Build a healthy relationship with your stepchild. It’s the biological parent’s job—who has birth and time going for him/her—to help integrate the new stepparent into the family group and leadership of the home, and to displace a child from the prior family leadership system (of a single-parent home). Sadly, the double-digit rule often applies: kids over 10 may or may not bond with a new stepparent. You are jumping onto a train already moving fast. Some tips in this very sensitive area are: • Give yourself time to develop a workable relationship. Love and caring take time to develop. It may take one year to bond with the new stepparent for every year they are old. Do not expect that you or she will magically cherish all your time together. Give yourself permission to not be completely accepted by him. Give your stepchildren time away from you, with their biological parent. • Realize children’s loyalty to their biological parents may interfere with their acceptance of you. They feel emotionally torn when enjoying time with you. Allow children to keep their loyalties and encourage contact with bio parents. Never criticize their bio parent, as it will sabotage their opinion of you. Consider yourself an added parent figure in the child’s life, not a replacement. • Let the children set the pace for their relationship with you! Don’t leave them disappointed nor force yourself onto them. Respect their boundaries. • Relax and build relationship. Trust the crock-pot to increase your connection over time. Love with actions and in truth. Monitor your stepchildren’s activities: balance interest in the child without coming on too strong. Seek to build relationship, but slowly. Throughout the first year, it should be primarily in the presence of another family member to lower anxiety. Trust is built through interaction. Develop shared interests together, attend church activities, and do service projects together. Listen to learn about each person’s needs, priorities, strengths/weaknesses, hopes, and fears. Vulnerability (a key to trust) must start at the top with the parents. • Find your role with discipline: an extension of the bio parent’s authority. Negotiate a set of household rules and a standard of conduct for all children with the bio parent (initially), who needs to be the model of principled behavior, caring enough to set limits/consequences. Then the bio parent can communicate legitimized authority of the stepparent to the children so that he/she can enforce the consequences when the time comes. Rules broken are agreed-upon “household rules”, not “parent’s” rules. Assume the role of “babysitter/teacher/coach,” in charge when the bio parent, who has communicated this authority to the child, isn’t around. Don’t jump in as a lead disciplinarian; the trust base isn’t there yet. Waiting to discipline step kids gives them time to build a stronger relationship with their stepparent first. The stepparent then is not forced into the role of the “heavy” and can remain in a more neutral position. The new couple also has time to merge their diverse approaches to parenting/disciplining by either talking through them or taking parenting classes. In the meantime, respect each other’s approach and recognize that it is unfair to the children to demand that one parent’s approach should change immediately after the remarriage occurs. The bio parent must back the step spouse to the hilt; if there is a concern about harshness, confront in private and use the form of a question: “Do you feel like you might be a bit hard on…?” It’s not going to be easy to blend a stepfamily, but over time, these efforts can make every member feel important and part of a new creation that has the potential to be something cool.