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		The Depth Of Discipline Reprinted from February 2006 Issue -by PAUL CASEY As a parent, you are in weekly situations where you must discipline your children. Nope, not a fun job. Easy to avoid. So much hassle. Due to the pace of life, we are constantly tempted to take the simple way out and not deal with discipline situations comprehensively. But using the true definition of discipline (to teach) will reap a harvest of right-living in your kids. Consider these suggestions for going deeper in discipline situations: Create A Connecting Environment In Your Home Having a weekly family night is a great ritual for getting closer to your kids. It can be a time to communicate family values, dish out allowances, and do a fun activity together in or away from the house. Bedtime rituals (like story time, prayers, or question of the day) are also great to set in stone, since it’s often a time when kids prefer to open up and share their feelings—even if just to stay up a bit longer! Having each parent take out each child individually on a monthly date can also be bonding times over breakfast, smoothies, or air hockey. And you communicate love through respectfully listening to your kids and encouraging them in their pursuits and dreams. Reinforce Positive Behaviors When you catch your kids being good, it is important to validate their efforts through specific praise, and occasionally a special token of appreciation for their efforts toward good manners and behavior. Some parents use sticker charts; some use a sibling jar for coins that reward acts of kindness to their brother/sister; and some designate a special plate for the person in the house who goes above and beyond the call of responsible behavior. View Their Hearts If you are just dealing with behavior modification in your discipline, the changes will always stay on the surface. Arguing and lecturing don’t get to core issues, and are more destructive than constructive. Getting to a child’s heart will produce lasting change for the better, and that takes deep conversations to probe the root of a misbehavior or outburst. Help them come up with proper alternatives to misbehavior, and make sure you both end on a positive note of enduring love that isn’t dependent on perfect behavior. Get Attention Through Consequences Logical consequences are real-world ones that are linked to the misbehavior (i.e. washing/helping repair the walls that were damaged). Save the serious consequences for the most serious of offenses, like rebellion to authority. Whatever you do, it should make your child think about what he/she did, enough to make them not want to endure that consequence again. If you don’t know what to do at that moment, delay the consequence until you have time to think it through—your child will sweat it out instead of you. Get On The Same Page With Spouse Despite each parent’s differing tendencies in discipline situations, co-parenting can still be unified. Come to an agreement on family guidelines and consequences through writing a family constitution that kids help originate, and then post on the fridge. It takes the emotion out of discipline situations because everybody knows what rule has been broken and what will happen next. And do your best to support each other in public so that your child cannot play one parent against the other; a united front is so important—disagree behind closed doors. Sharpen The Saw This is a term coined by Stephen Covey, that reminds each of us that we need to take care of ourselves so that we’re not on the edge when the pressure of discipline situations pushes our buttons. Good nutritional principles, consistent exercises, and managing stress will help you make wise decisions when your child misbehaves, and it will limit the anger that comes out of you that only makes you regret how you handled the situation. Hopefully, you have a support system of good friends, extended family, or even a counselor that can help keep you accountable in self-care. Learn The Best Way For You Years ago there wasn’t much solid research and parenting advice out there, but now bookstores and web sites are full of ideas that work in discipline situations. You just need to find the best system that works for your family—since yours is different from the one next door. Don’t default to your own parents’ system (unless it happens to be the best one now, too) or to no system at all. Spend as much time on learning about being a good parent (through classes; e-newsletters; magazines) as you would professionally developing yourself at work, or toning your body at the gym. The next generation is at stake, and you have incredible influence on it! Feel free to send me an e-mail me and I can point you in the right direction (paul.casey@bethel-church.org).