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		Moms Matter Reprinted from June 2006 Issue -by PAUL CASEY If you are a mom, you play a key role in your child’s life. I believe there are some priorities in how you spend your years pertaining to that role—that often get shoved to the back-burner in the wave of life. By the way, dads, don’t stop reading, because for the most part, each of these points apply to you too. 1) (if you are married) Invest in your marriage. Love and respect your child’s father. You see, respect for your husband normally contributes to love for the wife. And, loving your wife normally contributes to more respect for the husband. It’s a great cycle. But it works the other way, too. Kids benefit in a big way when there is unity of the parents in the home. Kids need security as one of their number one needs, and their first models of what a good relationship should look like comes through the lens of what they see in their moms/dads. Result: Getting closer to oneness in your marriage is a by-product of the energy invested in it: leading to spiritual, physical, emotional intimacy at its deepest levels. And the kids, who still see a lot of flaws and who will be in therapy someday talking about how we screwed them up, will have a lot to look back on and to say, “I want those elements in my own marriage.” What if I don’t? The marital relationship erodes, you gradually drift apart, and you live like roommates. You only coast one direction—downhill. Your marriage is either growing or dying. Husbands or wives, if one of you is pouring into the relationship and the other is not or is off-track, somebody (probably both of you) is suffering. And the other consequence is that of the not-so-ideal model the kids have as they grow up and evaluate how they will play out their relationship with a spouse. 2) Fill your energy (emotional) tank. Moms, would you agree that the quickest way for a mother to get her children’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable? There’s only so far you can go on fumes. We should be working from our rest, instead of resting from our work. Rest from activity is listed in God’s top ten (commandments). Do you spend a day or a large portion of day in Sabbath rest? The commandment hasn’t been expunged. Some families practice a family Sabbath day to keep one day sacred for rest and relationship renewal. They know that overcommitment kills families. Hey, Paul, jump into my shoes and tell me where I can fit that in! That’s where we guys and kids come in: we have to facilitate that happening. Anyone in the family can take some leadership and get mom blocks of time to be off-duty. “Mothers who are accepting, stable, and physically and emotionally accessible to their children make an invaluable contribution to the future.” -Jeff Kemp Every mom needs a support system (friends, small group, counselor, mentor); no single person (not even your husband) can fill every need of another person. Result: Energy to be fully present, fully loving, fully all God created you to be What if I don’t? You’ve been there: quick to be irritable (because nerves are raw). Like when your tires are wearing down—it’s dangerous. And if momma ain’t happy... Also there will be missed opportunities to equip kids or make a memory with them, as well as the modeling of instability that leaves a negative impression. And, moms without kids at home, I know you’re not any less busy; you could miss out on ways to mentor or give back to the community without a time of refreshment. 3) Pass values on to your kids. Moms are the safety nets of society. They protect their kids. And they play a key role in the values-formation of the next generation. Lopez Trujillo said, “A mother’s contribution is decisive in laying the foundations of a new human personality.” Passing values on also means counteracting all the negative messages that flow from within your kids and from the world around them, and it means purposely equipping them with character traits. Utilize teachable moments. It means unconditionally loving them, too. “First through their mothers and later through their fathers, children develop values, form dreams, mold convictions, and set goals. The unconditional love of their mothers helps children learn to love and helps them establish their view of what it means to be caring/committed parents.” -Jeff Kemp I had my sunglasses on one day last year and my then 3-yr old daughter got in my face very lovingly and said, “Daddy, I see myself in your sunglasses.” It reminded me of how much I see myself and will continue to see myself (good, bad, ugly) in her life—and I want it to be a father of unconditional love whom she sees. Finally, surround them with good role models. And, by the way, you can make that difference in the lives of someone else’s kid, too, by volunteering as a coach/leader/mentor in the community. Result: Your kids having personal values—not one dependent on their parents; and there’s a better chance of the next generation becoming successful leaders. We’ve got a big microphone into their lives; now we must use it. What if I don’t? The kids will find their values from other sources—not always positive ones. In fact, 39% of Kennewick school district 5th graders said they had never or only once been told by their parents about the dangers of alcohol or drugs! So one more question deserves mentioning: What if my kids don’t turn out right after all I tried to teach them? Society likes to blame parents, especially mothers, for all the faults of children. Parents truly have an awesome responsibility in raising children, but we must remember that our children have been given the choice to respond to authority or to rebel. Parents nurture their children, but children are responsible for their own decisions. They must decide whether they will heed their parents’ guidance. The first people, Adam and Eve, had the perfect Father (God), yet they chose to rebel. Surely, we do not hold God responsible for their sinful choices. It was Mother’s Day last month, but moms, you deserve our honor, assistance, prayers, and appreciation all year round. What would we do without you? Paul D. Casey, Family Ministry Director, Bethel Church, Richland, WA, 509-628-0150.