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		Once Upon A Stepfamily, Part One Reprinted from March 2006 Issue -by PAUL CASEY Whether you are a stepfamily or know a stepfamily (about a third of families now-a-days), let me start out with some encouragement amid the struggles of the blending process: • Though the first relationship with your child’s other parent didn’t work out, you have the opportunity to model a healthy marriage and be a positive role-model for both sets of children this time around. • Look at the bright side—your children have many adults that love them! • And if you endure for the long haul and strive for a healthy stepfamily with all you’ve got, there is a good chance of increased psychological well-being in the children. Here are some practical tips for blending your stepfamily—by the way, I’d encourage you to use the term, stepfamily (though historically, it has a negative connotation) and not blended family because in a blender, things get chopped up and someone always gets creamed! 1) Think of yourselves as a new family, not a stepfamily. Your family is different and more complex than a purely biological family. It’s impossible to have the expectation of being a nuclear family. Conflict naturally escalates—with a nuclear family, it’s like firecracker conflict—in a stepfamily, it’s like firing cruise missles! You don’t necessarily have to blend, you have to live together. A goal is to live in harmony with one another. 2) Pick up these key stepping stones along the way: • Integrity. What you are on the outside (in front of others) is the same as what you are on the inside (at home). • Listening. To everyone’s expressed frustrations/hurt feelings • Understanding. Seeking first to understand, then be understood. The top 2 skills in relationships: communication and conflict-resolution. • Perseverance. The testing of your values develops it. Growth means stretching; stretching means tension; and tension often means pain. • Commitment. Pushing through the fear to risk. “You can’t build a new family on the dock; you have to row to shore together.” Enlist for the journey. • Patience. Expect all to demonstrate respect and good manners, not instant bonding and love. • Flexibility. As opposed to rigidity. Be open to ideas for making it work. Tolerate ambiguity. Develop good adaptive skills. • Humor. It builds bridges. 3) Become knowledgeable about the stages of stepfamily formation, stepfamily myths and challenges as soon as possible. It helps you recognize that you are not the only ones experiencing the chaos. Also, realize that it takes 3-5 years for a stepfamily to bond, so there is no such thing as an instant family. Beware of and lower unrealistic expectations—lots of struggles are normal. It’s gonna take a long time. Join a stepparent group, attend stepfamily seminars and look at the resources on the Internet. 4) Learn how to build boundaries around the new marriage relationship. You’ll be living with your spouse for many more years than with the children! The biological parent must commonly communicate that, “it’s my spouse and you guys,” not, “it’s you guys and my spouse,” so that they see the priorities. You are modeling putting spouse first for their future marriage and you vowed that this marriage is unbreakable. There Are Two Key Barriers ToMarital Oneness In Remarriage 5 A) Bonding and parent-child allegiance. Make the marriage priority one. You can get so busy putting out fires with the kids that you have no energy left for building a relationship with your spouse. So, find reliable babysitters and set a date night each week or so when you go out and have fun. Then make it a point not to talk about the kids or the problems at home. Take the first 15 minutes at home for “couch time” without child interruptions. Keep the intimate part of marriage alive (spontaneity, sex, romance, active engagement, weekends away). Find a jointly-enjoyable activity to do together regularly. 5 B) The ghost of marriage past • Involves pain from the past and negative interpretations of interactions and verbal communication • Usually results in a wall of protection or guardedness. Let go of the negative emotions that keep you from giving/receiving love. • Limits developing intimacy and trust • Often teams-up with parent-child allegiance against the couple. It’s like saying, “Why should I risk vulnerability with my spouse when I know my kids are a sure thing?” Get unified on financial matters, for money is one of the top two reasons for a second divorce. Don’t fall into the 3 traps: Pain (brought forward from previous relationship), Non-disclosure (not telling the truth about one’s financial status), and No Plan (lack of conversations about financial priorities). 5) Practice self-care. • Alone time--solitude. • Exercise • Proper amount of sleep • Good eating habits • Time with faith community • A healthy support network of safe people 6) Work on your co-parenting skills and dealing with your ex-spouse (if divorced). All sorts of triangulation can occur; it takes maturity and security to see it through. • Own your part of any conflict; how you are contributing to the ongoing cycle of conflict. Seek forgiveness from your ex- when you’ve wronged him/her... Please read Part 2 in next month’s issue of The Entertainer.