Back to Paul Casey
		Forgiveness In The Family Reprinted from May 2006 Issue -by PAUL CASEY It can be really hard to live a joyful, emotionally-healthy family life with unforgiveness toward someone injecting poison into our systems. I’d like you to think of a family member that you are currently harboring a grudge toward—well, I know you might not admit it, and maybe you might even think you’re over it. It might be your parents or relative who abused you when you were a defenseless child; maybe it’s your spouse or ex-spouse who you feel made your life a living hell. Right now, with that person or persons on your heart/mind, paste these truths over them, and really be able to once again, truly love your family, unfettered by this “elephant in the room” of your heart. Unforgiveness Leads People To: • Pursue revenge to get back at them. When a person is viewed as a threat to your well-being, it’s amazing what we can do. We whip out a scoreboard and begin to make tallies. The revenge mindset (even if just mental exercising without follow-through) can breed a negative mindset toward everyone else who crosses you--even trivially. • Get off track: Reducing focus on the main things because of cluttering your mind with the grudge. Here are some consequences of this unhealthy focus: Lack of productivity at work, shutting out others, myopia: all about my pain and suffering, pursuit of cover-ups to numb the pain, and bad choices. Why forgive? “Truce is better than friction,” said Charles Herguth. Or a humorous twist on the Lord’s Prayer spoken by Robert Frost: “Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense.” There are so many reasons why to forgive, but emotional health is a biggie. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the high cost of hatred, and the waste of energy. So many illnesses can be traced back to grudges. How to forgive? Usually, like the sign on a company bulletin board, “To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.” Actually the saying goes, “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” We connect most with our divine nature when we’ve been wronged and we choose to push through it and forgive. That person may not even be alive or willing to hear you out. You can still experience the peace and rid yourself of the disease by forgiving without the audience. Some write it down and burn it. Some talk to an empty chair. What’s the payoff, the result of forgiveness? • Freedom to the offender (even if they don’t know it). It often softens people. They are let off the hook, like unlocking handcuffs. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hate. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness. It often restores the relationship. I think the goal of any confrontation should be restoration. Freedom to the offended. The artery is no longer clogged. You are now focused off the pain and focused back on loving people. Otto Rank: “What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality” I’ve seen people’s entire countenance change. We are released to serve to our highest potential. We’re back in the race without the anvil on our backs. “Some think it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go,” quotes Sylvia Robinson. How do I get ahead of unforgiveness? • Keep short accounts. Roll with the punches. Like a Golden retriever dog, you can be harassed and still not get riled up. The best way to get even is to forget. When you bury the hatchet, don’t bury it in your enemy’s back. Jump on it right away; take the sliver out before it gets infected. • Make sure there is a high dose of grace always available. “Humility causes a person to take notice of everything that is good in others and make the best of it, and to diminish their failings.” —Jonathan Edwards. Flexible people never get bent out of shape. When a friend makes a mistake, don’t rub it in, rub it out. Give them the benefit of the d0ubt. Try to see the other person’s point of view. • Regular attitude-checks. Hans Selye said, “Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.” Most things swept under the carpet eventually stink. If you put a potato in a drawer and leave it there, it begins to grow arms. • Acceptance of others, a gift everyone craves. Acceptance of others, their looks, their behaviors, their beliefs, bring you an inner peace and tranquility – instead of anger and resentment. You can see people as objects (stubborn or immature) or you can see them as the loving, wonderful people they are. Take this step if you want to go deeper in a relationship. • Overcoming evil with good. Henry James: “Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” Plato said it this way: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” And the Bible punctuates it in Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Paul D. Casey; Family Ministry Director at Bethel Church, Richland. E-mail: Paul.Casey@bethel-church.org.